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I try not to blog things that are way too personal (this includes reflective entries and such) because I hate putting “private” matters on a public forum. I try to deal with my problems by myself, and as much as possible, I don’t want to burden anyone else with my shhhtufff. However, sometimes, you just need to forget about your restrictions and just let things out to keep yourself sane. So, without further ado, here goes nothing…

Lately, I have been feeling lost, extremely lost, and I hate the word lost. Never in my life have I ever felt this way. And it’s not just this feeling of uncertainty that’s bothering me, but also knowing that I have been living my post-student life with an abundance of self-doubt, and approaching everything without an ounce of passion. This mind-body-heart-soul synergy thing has not happened for me yet. That ain’t cool.

I don’t know what happened. I’ve always been a very goal-oriented person: I know what I want, I get what I want and as a result, I get this temporary happiness. Once that state of happiness expires, I start over. This lovely cycle has worked incredibly well for me, and it has gotten me places and things that I never thought I’d get otherwise. But lately, this cycle has not been very effective, and that’s bringing the sads in my life.

I suppose, when I was still a student, I thought I had it all figured…I thought I was fully equipped to tackle the “real world” once I graduate. I even wrote on my undergrad “yearbook” (with such confidence too) that I was ready for the “real world”. What an absolutely naïve thing to say, but can you blame me?

The “real world” all sounded pretty simple and clear: leave school forever, get a job, pay-off debt, get a car, get married, buy a house, and all that jazz. This is a pretty standard pattern of life, as we all know and are familiar with. My goal was to just simply put a check mark beside the ones I’ve accomplished. I mean, I’m on the “right” track so far, but somehow I feel like I’ve taken the wrong path. And I’ve been “accomplishing” things, but sadly, have not been getting any sense of accomplishment.

What a downer.

I guess it’s a good thing that I get to go through something like this now rather than later. It’s also nice to realize that money does not equate happiness.

Conan was right, “no one gets exactly what they want in life.”

But man, I need to figure out what I want, and I need to figure it out soon. While I can still afford to do this whole figuring out business…

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